ANTIFA, INC. — INTERNAL MEMO
(FOR YOUR EYES + OUR LIABILITY WAIVER’S EYES ONLY)
To: All Employees, Contractors, Soros Lackeys, Interns, and Volunteers
From: HR (Hooligans & Resistance) / Compliance (Crying In The Breakroom)
Subject: Six (6) Ways to Spot a Fascist (Before They Ask for “Just One Little Exception”)
Date: Effective Immediately, Unfortunately
Team,
As you know, fascists do not typically arrive wearing a name tag that says HELLO, I’M THE PROBLEM. They arrive wearing a cardigan, have two 9mg Zyn pouches under one lip, and a carefully rehearsed tone that says, “I’m just concerned about society.” This memo exists to help you identify fascist behavior early—before it becomes your workplace culture, your state legislature, or your Supreme Court.
Below are six (6) field-tested indicators that someone is giving fascist-adjacent (or full fascist, just trying to mask it).
1) They’re obsessed with “order,” but only when it hurts people they don’t like
“Law and order” is their favorite spell. They chant it like it’s protective magic, even while the law is actively strangling someone in a ditch.
Common tells:
“Rules are rules” (except for cops, CEOs, landlords, pastors, and their cousin Kyle)
“We just need discipline” (translation: punishment for the ‘wrong’ people, immunity for the ‘right’ ones)
“Why can’t you protest quietly?” (a sentence that has never been said by someone who actually believes in protest)
2) They treat hierarchy like it’s a law of nature, not a choice
Fascists love a social ladder like a raccoon loves a trash can: spiritually, passionately, and without shame.
Common tells:
“Some people are just leaders.”
“Not everyone can handle freedom.”
“The country needs a strong hand.” (Sir, this is a democracy, not a game of Risk.)
If their ideal society looks like a pyramid scheme with a flag on it, take notes.
3) They need a scapegoat the way a bad manager needs a fall guy
In fascist logic, complex problems are never caused by systems—only by bad people (usually minorities, immigrants, queer folks, the poor, “degenerates,” “globalists,” or anyone with blue hair and a library card).
Common tells:
“I’m not racist, but—” (fasten your seatbelt)
“They’re replacing us.” (with what? a functional healthcare system? please.)
“We can’t take care of our own because of them.” (buddy, your bosses are stealing your wages, not your neighbors)
They will always prefer blaming a vulnerable group over confronting the rich, because the rich might stop inviting them to think tank.
4) They’re allergic to nuance and addicted to “common sense”
Nuance is a threat because it requires thinking. Fascists love “common sense” because it sounds like wisdom and functions like a cudgel.
Common tells:
“It’s simple.” (it’s not)
“I’m just asking questions.” (you’re not)
“Both sides are bad.” (said exclusively to protect the worse side)
“Facts don’t care about your feelings.” (spoken by someone mid-tantrum)
If every solution is “crack down,” “ban,” “arrest,” “deport,” “purge,” “clean up,” or “take our country back,” congrats: you’ve found the ideological equivalent of a boot enthusiast.
5) They romanticize violence, but only when they get to authorize it
Fascists don’t always say “violence is good.” They say “violence is necessary,” then quietly build a world where “necessary” means “politically convenient.” If they’re okay using force to dictate how people act, be wary
Common tells:
“Sometimes you have to do what’s necessary.” (ominous, undefined, smug)
“If you have nothing to hide…” (this sentence has never improved a society)
“The protesters are the real terrorists.” (said while defending armed crackdowns)
Also: if their “self-defense” fantasy includes you losing rights, dignity, or life, that’s not self-defense. That’s a tantrum with a budget.
6) They worship tradition, but can’t explain why it’s good beyond “because it’s ours”
They’ll talk about “family values” like they invented family. They’ll talk about “heritage” like it’s all that matters. They’ll talk about “the old days” like they were personally there, thriving, as a factory owner. A mythologized past is a classic hallmark of fascist rhetoric.
Common tells:
“We’re losing our culture.” (which culture? be specific. what’s the ZIP code of this culture?)
“Kids these days…” (especially when paired with complaints that parents are disciplining children enough.)
“Real Americans…” (here comes the exclusion criteria)
Tradition is fine. Weaponized tradition—the kind that exists mainly to keep women quiet, minorities and vulnerable groups afraid, and workers grateful for scraps—is not “values.” It’s just oppression dressed up in old timey garb, pictured in sepia tone.
Helpful Addendum: The Fascist Customer Service Voice
Be aware of the calm, reasonable tone. Fascism loves a polite wrapper. It wants to sound like a “difference of opinion,” even when the opinion is “some people shouldn’t exist in public.”
If someone can describe cruelty with the vibe of an insurance adjuster, proceed accordingly. Do not underestimate them though, that cruelty can easily be turned on you should you buck their line of thinking. The last thing any authoritarian wants is to be positively ID’ed as a concern for decent folks, because then they begin to lose the ability to exercise power over them.
In closing:
If you spot these signs, remember: you are not obligated to debate someone out of dehumanizing politics. You are not a volunteer TED Talk. You are a human being with finite hours on this collapsing rock, and you get to spend them however you want. If that is poniting out someone’s toxic beliefs, do so at your own risk. But props to you for doing what you can to get society to a better place.
Solidarity,
Dee, Subcomandante of Substack